Friday, April 8, 2011

To My Motorcycle-Riding Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

     Once again we find ourselves entering springtime. Although we've had some light snow recently, most of the winter snow is gone and the ice on the street has finally melted. While I'm certainly going to miss the winter season, I think most people in the neighborhood are looking forward to warmer weather. I believe I heard you celebrating the change of the seasons Wednesday night between 11:30PM and 12:00AM when you spent ten straight minutes revving your @#$%^*! motorcycle, roared down your street, and then returned twenty minutes later to rev your engine some more.

     Now, I know that you're not my only motorcycle-loving neighbor. Since I hate noise, I don't like it when they ride their over-loud toys around either. However, when the other neighbors ride their bikes after work on a weekday or during daylight hours on the weekend, I know that my noise-aversion is my own idiosyncrasy and is not the fault of my neighbors.

     Here's the difference between you and them; they do it during the day, and you do it after 11:00PM on a weekday. I'm sure you know that many of your neighbors work at the national laboratory about 60 miles out of town and have to wake up around 4:30AM in order to get dressed and catch an early morning bus. As it is, I typically get about 6 hours of sleep. This past Wednesday, thanks to your joyriding, I slept for only 4 hours. I hope you can see why your motorcycle has become a source of irritation.

     Between last year's evening rides and this past Wednesday, I've noticed that you endlessly rev your engine whether your bike has been sitting all winter or for a single day. I can't imagine that this is necessary for the proper operation of your motorcycle and can only believe that you do this at 11:30PM on a weekday because you like to. I'm afraid that the degree of thoughtlessness and discourtesy you've shown toward your neighbors has made you my implacable nemesis. I therefore must warn you that, when exposure to gamma radiation finally gives me the telekinetic superpowers that I've wanted for so long, I'm going to blow up your motorcycle with my mind.

Your Sleep-deprived Neighbor


  1. You might benefit by moving out of a neighborhood and into the country. On a lot of acreage, surrounded by lots of trees, and far from any road. Just a thought. Or, maybe move to Atomic City. :) Sorry about the lousy neighbor. Does Ammon have any sort of noise ordinance, or noise restrictions? Maybe a citation would cure him of his revving late at night.

  2. I'm reluctant to call the authorities because of a bad experience we had with another neighbor who was riding his motorcycle too fast through the cul de sacs and down the nearby train tracks. Someone (we never found out who) called the police on him. After that, his wife came to our door while he went to the doors of our neighbors and accused each of us of calling the cops. This wasn't the first time that someone had called the police on him.

    Unfortunately, that neighbor never really changed his behavior and now there's some noticeable tension in the neighborhood.



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